Diary Entry #134

I'm so beat.

I wish I had anything to show for it but I've still got work to do, tonight, before I can truly rest tomorrow. The workload, I am told, is unusual for this opening week, and that it tapers toward the end of things. 

I've been a little introspective lately. 
The fact that not everyone will be your friend is a given, but I've never been so aggressively confronted by that fact until recent. I sat down with someone I consider to be quite wise and even-handed, and I spoke to them about it - we'd just kind of compared notes. 

I said, "I feel like there's actually very little I can do about things beyond continue being myself and hoping that people enjoy who they meet." We'd more or less agreed, and it feels good to know that this is perhaps the only reasonable way ahead. I do not feel aimless, or like I am simply embracing the status quo now that I've discussed it and decided it is a good course of action.

Sometimes, a respected and solicited second opinion is everything.

-

I had a strange encounter at the college.
One of my professors drew a very "Navy" diagram on the board, and it raised a little flag of curiosity in my head, but then he concluded the day by going, "Hmm, the communication today has been very hub-and-spoke, I apologize for that."

I said to him, "You're an Intelligence Officer."
He blinked at me and said, "How did you know?" and I said, "Because I talk like that, sometimes."

We spoke, and agreed that you cannot judge a peoples by the actions of their government, and you cannot refer to a peoples or a civilization when you address their government. 

My heart ached and I cried.
He asked me, "Was the Navy good to you?"
And I said, "No - and I feel like I have this eldritch knowledge, sometimes, that I can't do anything with, or even acknowledge the possession of - and the state of the world hurts my soul."

He pat me and said, "We simply must talk more."

I am hoping I have in him something of a mentor, going forward.
I truly do want to ask him, older and similar, "What do you do with the things you know, and how do you recover your heart?"

-

Kiki stopped by to let me know there is a Full Moon tonight.

Come join us under it.

Diary Entry #133

I got banned after turning-down that Moderator position — they cited me as a "Safety Concern" due to my art portfolio. It feels very strange, to be offered a position of oversight, have the sense to decline it in the interest of group cohesion, and then get punished for it. It happens, I guess.

Class went okay.

Seeing as I am banned, I'm just gonna work through my classwork — maybe this is all a silver lining, in terms of timing?

—

I bought a tiny little flash-drive. 
It ran me twenty bucks, but it's 36GB. It's been awhile since I've been in the market for a flash-drive. The last time I shopped for one, twenty bucks got you like, a 4GB drive from the gas-station, and maybe a pair of cable headphones.

Now there's no headphone jacks, and you get 90% more space for your dollar. I'm a little excited to own it. I'm hoping I can talk with Steph about maybe getting some instructions on how to swap to Linux, finally.

Diary Entry #132

Today, I was offered a Moderator position at a relatively "Big Deal" Warframe group. I told them that I thought I was a poor candidate for the gig because while I am considered well-liked and helpful by just about everyone, I am a "problematic artist" with nudes on the internet, and I think I could cause them considerable embarrassment if anyone scrutinized me and demanded action from the other staff.

I told them this, and they agreed, and politely rescinded the offer.

Easy come, easy go.

—

Summer's come and gone away.

Tomorrow starts the Fall Semester - my graduating semester. It's relatively rigorous and I'm a little intimidated by it, but after that, it's just working on my Bachelor's. Ideally, I knock it out in a year.

—

Yesterday's vegetable tempura is haunting me.
It was so delicious. I think my body really wants vegetables.
I didn't know what to do about that, so I got some V8 and a quart of very spicy Bloody Mary mix so that I can just have the occasional glass of vegetable and see if that satisfies my weird craving.

My occasionally-neglectful diet, which consists of soup and sandwich forever, shored-up with multivitamins, sometimes comes to bite me, I think, and I take my cravings relatively seriously in case they're indicative of some sort of weird dietary deficiency, which feels more and more likely these days.

—

Drew a lot today.

The Sulfie and Silly Billy Girl piece was very scratchy and binary, and I am not the best color-er, but I think it came out decent.

I didn't hate it, which has been rare for art I make as of late.

Diary Entry #131

Today was really good.

I caught the train up to rendezvous with Becky, Meri, and Mara.

We raided the arcade, and played a lot of Dance Dance Revolution, House of the Dead, and a little Air Hockey.

Mara beat our asses at everything except House of the Dead which we unanimously sucked at. 

Meri uses the support-bar technique when playing DDR, but Mara doesn't, and they have a tongue-in-cheek rivalry about it.

Becky threw down twice on the claw machine and scored Tails Doll and a Kirby.

Afterwards, we went to a Japanese diner, and we scored a bite together.

It was so good.

- 

My baby cousin, bless her heart, has encounter her first gender-nonconforming friend and her immediately response was to introduce us.

This little thirteen year-old came running into a group-chat with me and my cousin and was like, "I love anime, being non-binary, and drawing."

I said, "I love all of these things, too, but I would also make sure you parents know you're talking to me, because I know my dad would've be like, 'You can't just talk to strange middle-aged women on the Internet'. "

It makes me happy, though, that my cousin would rep me to her friends like that. I think that's how I know I'm being a good role-model - the children know I am safe, especially for people who are like me. 

I wish intergenerational friendships weren't so unusual in America.

They showed me a ninja they'd drawn.
I showed them today's drawing of Love - they said Bea's character is very cute. 

The kids are alright.

Diary Entry #130

Yesterday was Mentha's birthday.
I got kind of manic and made something, but I came back to it several hours later and I was dismayed by how it had come out. I tried to apply this goofy thing I had learned in Graphic Design class last semester, but I don't think it comes naturally to me, and as such, it left a lot of things looking undefined and funny.

Oh well. What can you do.
It's not even about me, I shouldn't be kicking myself.
I know that she knows I love her, and I think that's what matters.

Today, the Palmyra Sisters and I are going to watch something.
I don't know what it is - we've finished GunBuster and Gundam: Origins. I think we might be watching some Patlabor, as it's relatively self-contained.

The break is concluding.
I have in-person classes every single day but Friday.
It sounds dismal, but my hope is that the rigorous in-person class load means there's relatively little "Doing Work On Your Own Time".

We'll see.

Becky, Mara, Meri, and I are using my last real day off to score a meal together. It makes me happy that we can all go somewhere, together, because I know Becky is trying to come out of her shell and socialize and it is difficult for her, and I know Meri and Mara to be exquisite and good people. It feels like putting the bumpers-up before emotional bowling and telling someone, "You can have a meaningful social experience - go ahead, try!"

Wybie is out of town for the next few days.
Tamago and I have been calling it the Wibble World-Tour.
On one hand, I'm happy to hear that prince is out there doing cool things, meeting people, and having adventures. But on the other, I'm going to miss his humor, kindness, and optimism.

I went to the grocery store very early, today.
I got a day-old bacon egg and cheese from their deli counter for two dollars, and I fed the bacon to the crows in the parking lot.
It was pleasant.

Diary Entry #129

No dice.

June's fallen ill, the poor thing.

I'm still headed up to meet with Becky, but instead of eating without her, we're gonna sweep house like usual, to see if we can't free up the weekend to meet with Mara and Meri.

-

We worked very hard for four hours or so.
We were able to clean the kitchen and the living-room, but not much else with such limited time. It wound up being okay, though - Becky was so tired anyways, because she was coming into this on the heels of an eight-hour shift.

On the way back home, I had an intense craving for root-beer.

A boy from a Christian School Fellowship named Levi introduced himself while I was waiting for the bus.

He asked if he could tell me about God and pray for me.
I told him I used to work at a church, and I myself was a Christian, just also Transgender.

He asked if we could pray together in kinship, then. 
I said, "Of course," and we prayed there at the bus-stop before he left in a big crowd, passing out food to the local homeless.

He asked me if I wanted a sandwich and a slice of pumpkin pie.
I politely decline.

I got home, drank a root-beer from the gas station, and I spent the evening talking with my sister, Beatrice.

It was such a good time.
Sometimes, I forget Bea is such a literal gem of a person.

Diary Entry #129

No dice.

June's fallen ill, the poor thing.

I'm still headed up to meet with Becky, but instead of eating without her, we're gonna sweep house like usual, to see if we can't free up the weekend to meet with Mara and Meri.

Diary Entry #128

Last week of freedom before College resumes.

I got double-booked for a public speaking course I've already completed, despite working in concert with the Admissions Office and Veterans Affairs Office to ensure nothing like this happened. Thank God - everything has come out okay and with very little time on the docket, I was still able to secure a graduating course load-out. Unfortunately, it looks like I'll also be attending classes like, every single day but Friday. 

If I can be real, I feel a little demoralized by that. Just the transit is going to be like, an hour and a half every day. Nevertheless, the good thing about in-person classes is you tend to accomplish the vast majority of your work during the session. We'll see how it shakes-out.

June, Becky, and I are meeting up for girl-dinner tomorrow. 
Maddie might be there too, if she isn't too tired. It's kind of exciting - I think this is the first time I've really had friends who didn't know eachother meet-up in person to hang out since Dorothy came down on her birthday to visit. I'm hoping that it goes well. But if it doesn't, at least we'll all score a bite together. That's a win, no matter what.

I'm really enjoying Amortized: Money for Girls, still, but have yet to score a second good route, so much as I've manage to suffer and die a lot. Right now, I'm in the middle of applying my detective prowess against our resident villain, and succumbing to drug-addiction. I'm curious to see how it goes if I manage to save up enough to come-out on top despite the fact that things, story-wise, are going unrepentantly bad for me.

The house is full of awful gnats. 
I'm not sure what it is - the plates of wet cat-food left-out from the little old lady I live with feeding her strays, or my other room-mate's occasionally discarded week-old pizza and stuff. It's kind of intense, though. I've been storing all of my food that isn't canned on my tiny shelf in the fridge so make sure it isn't exposed. No more room temperature bread or apples. 

My room is always clean and well-kept, but I have encountered one or two in here as well - I suspect coming in through the ducting to explore. Evil.

My baby cousin wrote me today.
She showed me all her most recent OCs - two are particularly special and are named Oatmeal and Cinnamon. It makes me happy to see her draw, and it makes me happy to know she's well - she said eighth grade has not sucked as bad as it could. She told me she thinks Wybie is really cool because he's a boy, which made me laugh. 

I think that kid is as close to another Meena this world's gonna get; both my body and this world are a little too poisoned to reproduce.

But the Motherly Instinct is satisfied when we trade letters, and I get to hang her artwork on my happy-board, and tell her about my friends and send her little doodles of their characters and 'sonas.

I doubt you'll ever read this, but I love you kiddo.
Please never stop making things, and don't surrender your sincerity - as Rincs would put it, this corner of the world needs your light.

Diary Entry #127

I don't know what has happened. The little old lady I live with was supposed to get coffee with her mother today — but she is weeping on the phone. 

It is not the normal kind of weeping.

They are tears of frustration, and I don't know what about.

She slammed the door on her way out, which is unlike her — a woman whose sole joys are feedings stray cats and bluejays.

I need to check in with her when she gets back — if not to make sure she is okay, to acknowledge that she isn't and create a space for her to vent.

She is one of those people that views shaking her head out as an immense burden on others, and she won't tell me unless I ask why her heart's hurt.

—

I am meeting up with Dorothy, Steph, and Maeve today. We're all having dinner together at a little Chinese restaurant Steph likes. 

I haven't seen Steph since we got figs together, and cried about the difficulties of life before milling-about for shelf-stable foods. It'll be good to see her — but more than anything, it'll be good to treat her and know she is eating well today.

I miss everyone.

Diary Entry #126

I'm doing excellent, today.
I got some small groceries and some multivitamins to last me out the next months because I wasn't feeling very good.

Some time mid-day, I caught a second wind and now I'm drawing Kiki's special boy, Miko, and Dot J. Understudy. 

I ate a few more spoonfuls of Money for Girls today - I want to talk with Kiki about it and make sure I'm "Doing it Right" but I'm basically just trying to impress Agnel while investigating. 

Sugar Mommy confronted me and told me she wanted to spoil me rotten, and suggested I show her my smile. I kind of like Cancer's dignity, though, and so I refused to show her it. 

Agnel ridiculed my body and called me a virgin.
I owned it, and I said that I'm saving myself for someone special.
She made me cry, and instead of getting humiliated, I marveled that she touched my face. 

I'm not shaping up particularly wealthy, but I'm trying hard.

I really like Cancer Prize's relationship with their Mother.
She told me that nobody is looking at my blemishes, and that I am the only one with a magnifying glass, and I just thought that was such peak writing.

I love Cancer as a little forensic weirdo.

-

The Palmyra Sisters got their results back - they're cancer-free and they only need monitoring now. I'm so happy for them. 

No more stomach-aches, or trips out to radiotherapy.

They said they got a good burger today.
I wish I could've cooked them something to celebrate them all.

-

I am sister, mother, and daughter.

I am Set-shaped.

I am beloved and celebrated.