Diary Entry #165.

when I woke up my sinuses were sore and I couldn't breathe out my nose; I am kind of laughing about how this cold seems to just be pinballing through my body. Throat, nose, lungs, sinuses. It's just going wherever.

I used the last of my cold medicine before bed last night and I feel very lethargic. I sat on the floor of the shower waiting for my face to drain a little before school, combing my pigtails out; it's been a while since I've felt so utterly exhausted. 

Nevertheless, today is my "long day" for schoolwork, and we're actually doing cutting and assembly of some of our project stuff for my Small Group Comms class, so I've gotta just mask up and go in like I usually do. 

I kept true to my pace last night; and I closed out all of the cards I said I'd do. Against my better judgment I am packing up my busted-ass computer and taking it to class with me so that I can work some of the digital stuff over the course of our post-class work period.

We may be meeting again this Friday to work more which will throw me into a little bit of a pit that I'll have to dig myself out of. I still have exams and stuff for two of my other classes.

Because there's so much work as Finals approach, I've decided to just throw up the Cube like Speckle does, and drop off for now. I feel like everyone knows how to reach me if something urgent crops up.

In the meantime, it's lentil soup, and catching the bus to class.

Diary Entry #164.

I patched things up, I think, with the person I used to be married to. I think if you had told me that would be happening even a year ago, I'd have told you that we'd hurt each-other too badly, and that the way things ended was so catastrophically ugly that there was no shot that we'd be hugging it out, but here we are — talking vulnerably and constructively. They go by 'Luka' now.

I talked with them about the way that they hurt me when they had pressured me into sex I didn't want to have, and how it has alienated me from my sexuality since 2020. In exchange, they told me about how badly I'd hurt their heart when I had conspired in a secret affair to divorce and run-away with my friend, and how things were never the same after that even though it was evident that we had both clearly cared about each-other and were trying to make things work and attending counselling and stuff.

It was scary to be vulnerable like that, but I think speaking frankly to each-other about the ways we hurt one another is probably a good thing. 

We both live really humbly now; they're still going strong with their other partner from when we had been together. After our old cat, Alabaster, passed away they had gotten a new cat named Betelgeuse.

We talked about our dysfunctional families and about 'last I'd heard...'s about some of our old, mutual friends. 

Then we talked, very frankly, about coping with depression.
He told me about some of the conditions he lives in, and they are truly the sorts of things that make you bitter with the world, and I know to a certain degree, I am to fault for those conditions because I ran. They said that I shouldn't blame myself, and that they don't hold blame for me, but I am still deeply frustrated about it all.

When you hear about how dehumanizing the world can be, you are reminded that inequality really is one fight.

—

I have fallen really sick. It started as a deep burn in the weird space between my nose and throat - like the sensation you get when you have a nosebleed and it's pouring down your throat instead of your face?

But it has quickly worked its way south into my lungs and I find myself ugly-coughing really hard and spitting-up yuck. I have medicine, but only NyQuil, so I am reluctant to take any while I am working through my final. 

My group has been very accommodating with me - I told them I was struggling to get the vector graphics to work in a constructive capacity, and I was thankful they did not yell at me but just said, "We'll find another way to bulk-print boards."

I told them I would, in exchange for falling short on my deliverables, assume all the other deliverables. and build our card decks, which is what I've been doing. 

They let me sleep off my fever after I got home yesterday.

—

Dinner is lentil soup and peanut-butter crackers.

I added lots of salt to the soup to help soothe my throat.

Diary Entry #163

Wynn had cancelled on our last meet-and-greet.
He was worried about Child Protective Services coming for his brother without him present, so we called it off short notice until he'd spoken with them and handed over what evidence and testimony he had. 

We met up today and I handed off what boy-clothes I still had for him to take. He said he tried on one of the enormous jackets and definitely wants it because it helps his dysmorphia, which made me cry.We spoke about re-integration into school, and he said his current intent is to pursue a GED. I advised him that the Mathematics portion typically sneaks-up on people because it is the more difficult of the topics to retain proficiency in if you are not using it daily. 

He said he's good with patterns, and math comes pretty naturally to him, which is reassuring. We didn't stick around eachother very long - Kara left with him in short order to treat him to pizza.

Life is beautiful. 
I am glad that there's a support network for him. 

Diary Entry #162

Yesterday was beautiful.

This morning was beautiful.

This afternoon is strange.

The week to come is busy.

Diary Entry #161

It's Bea's birthday today - happy birthday, Sister.
I hope you are shown, today, just how beloved you are.
There's seldom a day in the week where someone doesn't talk to me about their love for you.

I'm rendezvousing with Samantha shortly to hand-off her birthday cake.
To my dismay, all the shops were out of strawberries - they had a little placard where they usually go, saying that some stuff had adversely affected their supply. 

I'm checking again before I go, but if there's nothing to be done about it, I'll probably just ask, "Would you like blackberries, raspberries, or blueberries?" and call it good - what can you do?

I'm a little miffed, though, because they had whole cartons of strawberries two days ago, and I was private like, "Hmm, but I should wait until the day prior so they don't have time to sit around and get mushy..."

Meena Dhalgren, you well-intended fool! You literal dolt!

I am headed to the local synagogue after I meet up with Sam to fulfil my requirements to observe a religious cultural ceremony for one of my college classes. I was very thankful they have permitted me to observe, and I am hoping that I can handle all of the things unobtrusively.

Poor Becky has fallen intensely ill and has cancelled out plans to clean and hang-out for Sunday; I feel so bad for her.

Diary Entry #160

I am so exhausted.

I should go buy groceries, but I don't want to leave the comfort of my warm, toasty bed yet - I know I'll need to so that I can make sure I have strawberries on hand for tomorrow for when I deliver Samantha's birthday cake. After that, I've just gotta make a card template for a class project, revise a homie's resume, and write a paper after visiting a local synagogue for my cultural studies class.

Then I've got a breather, and I'm catching the train up to Becky's place to make sure she's doing good.

Tomorrow is my friend Beatrice's birthday.
We're all putting a little crown on her head - I'm excited to see her celebrated, too. Dorothy gave me the Homie Hook-Up and tipped me off that it was approaching, and I'm really glad because there was no shot I'd have been equipped to celebrate that girl on shorter notice.

It always feels important, because I feel like (to a degree) the birthday is an event where we celebrate the anniversary of someone's survival.

Beyond that, next week I have to dedicate a little bit of time to "figuring out how to make a Vector Graphic" so I can conclude one of my final projects. I think that's going to actually take a significant sum of effort- we asked for some guidelines and local resources on how to print this stuff out and it is seeming increasingly untenable that we make it any other way beyond "Assembling six sheets of paper on a board."

It seems a little daunting.
The project is (otherwise) going smoothly though.

I want to make another panel of the comic I have been making with CPU recently before the week is up.

Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy...

I'll be happy when I get a little breather.

Diary Entry #159

Busy, busy, busy...

Today I baked a cake, did artwork, and closed-out my exams for school.
I made a new friend, CPU, and I spent the evening talking with Shapes and Dorothy.

Tomorrow is an unusual day - classes are being held at an alternate location and time.

I ate a pippin apple Maeve gave me.
It was yummy.

Diary Entry #158

Today I read the short story
Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?
It is about a young girl, Connie, who is identified, stalked, confronted, and threatened by two men, Arnold and Ellie, after they see her with friends at a local diner. Considerable time is spent explaining Connie's dualistic world-view, her frustration with her family which is then juxtaposed against her youthful perspective, the disquiet she feels interacting with Arnold and Ellie, and her resignation to her fate in desire to protect her family which seems at odds with their mutually pessimistic relationship toward one another.

It concludes on a line wherein Connie acknowledges that she knows very little about the world outside her home - only that she is going out into it.

It made my heart heavy to read it, I think.
There's a lot of scholarly debate about whether or not the story should be interpreted literally or allegorically, but I imagine with all things, it's a little bit of both: too much time is spent familiarizing you with Connie's daily life and family for you to discount the world she exists in as only relevant to some fable, but by the same token, I feel like anyone who was ever cruelly pushed into adulthood has been Connie, pressing their hand through the screen-door to descend into something of great anxiety and threat.

Growing up is never easy. 

—

I unexpectedly discovered there was considerable work left to do today for College. I crossed the finish-line on it, but unfortunately it took me well into the evening to do so. I'm safe and good for now, though. Filed for FASFA too, which should allow me to accept my merit grant at my gaining college, too.

I want to finish-out Amortized: Money for Girls and then read Harley Douthwaite's acclaimed Girls' Symbiosis which I hopped right over, like a loser, by virtue of moving when it came out.

I have a lot of leisure-things I'd like to do like that.
I have a lot of things I'd like to draw.

I had intended to do some of that on break, but today, my parents called and asked if I would spend the Holidays with them. I have agreed to do so, but have gently pushed-back when they told me I could stay for a very long time, and started measuring, with specificity, what timelines I would need to abide to be successful in school. I do love my parents, and I conceded to visit without hesitation, because I think that I would regret not spending time with them on my deathbed, but I would not regret losing twenty drawings of me peeing or exposing my ass. But I will say that generally speaking, time in their company is not especially restful, and I sometimes feel like some sort of circus attraction that everyone flocks to see.

I would like to rest, at some point.

Diary Entry #157

Happy Halloween.

I love the little old lady I live with, but sometimes, she scares the hell out of me. She attempted to light the very tiny fireplace with nothing but a whole-ass starter log, and it naturally got way bigger than it should've in such a small fireplace.

To try and put out the fire, she beat it with the poker, which increased the surface area and made it bigger, and when that didn't work, she shut the door on the fireplace, which would've smothered it if she didn't re-open it after it shrank, causing it to backdraft aggressively and get even bigger.

She panicked and grabbed me, finally, while I was drawing Chuck killing me with a hacksaw. I put the fire out, but we only had a dry extinguisher, so I had to ladle water over it until it lost heat to keep it from re-flashing afterwards.

Very crazy afternoon.

Diary Entry #156

I caught the train up to visit my homegirls.
I returned the very storied White Pikmin to its rightful place.
I got my baking pot back, so I can prepare a cake for Sam.

I spent the day hanging with Snoozer; it culminated in us playing a lot of Twinkle Star Sprites which was actually a blast - that plushie kicked my ass. It was so good to see everybody, but also, more than anything, to know it was okay, and that I was allowed to see everybody.

Everyone was so good to me.
I think my favorite part of the day was trekking with Snoozer in a relatively persistent downpour, talking about strange experiences we had in high-school.

Swapping stories like that was really lovely.

-

Tomorrow, I want to try and illustrate a full-panel comic page.
I've never really done that before. While debating whether or not I could learn Renpy quickly, CPU encouraged me to give making a comic a try instead, because it is (by its nature) a more monochromatic art.

I do not know CPU especially well, but she's very kind and encouraging to me and that makes me feel empowered to try. 

My heart is excited to take a swing at something I would not normally feel skilled enough to attempt.